Riqz’s Avatar Review
Riqz’s Avatar Rant Review
Jake Sully, a crippled marine gets a new job on the planet Pandora. His brother got killed by nobody knows who, because he got robbed. Jake is the only one with the same genes as his brother (because they were twins) so that’s why he got this job. This new job involves getting into a machine and possessing this empty meatbag clone of one of the Navi’s (An alien spieces indigenous to Pandora but they know fuck all about the Navi’s but they can make exact clones of them).
The humans are on Pandora (the Navi planet that uses trees for internet) because they need to mine some kind of shitty mineral mentioned ONCE in the whole film and nobody knows why the fuck they’re mining it. There’s some kind of special force involved to protect the company mining from the angry Navi. They look like U.S. Marines but are really mercenaries with no emotions left in them except for XENOPHOBIA.
Jake Sully is skeptical about this whole avatar project but once he realizes he can walk again (he was crippled in action remember?), he starts liking it.
He goes on an expedition with 2 other meaningless actors/characters/avatars who we can forget about now because they mean nothing at all, in the middle of the forest.
Jake is a bit curious (of course! He’s got legs now!), so he wanders off and gets attacked by an alien CGI monster. He gets separated from the group and ends up nearly dying until a Navi girl (which he falls in love with pretty much as soon as we see her) saves him.
At a certain point some pollen gets stuck all over Jake and Navi girl is amazed and he goes to their main treehouse. He is given a chance by the “mother superior” (again you can forget about her now as she is meaningless) to learn the “navi way”.
He gets a mount, he shoots an arrow, he rides a donkey (all this by sticking his IEEE 1394 port hair into any animal he can see), the navi girl falls in love with him.
Jake doesn’t want to live in the human world anymore and when he comes out they tell him they want to mine underneath the Navi treehouse because there’s a HUUUUUGE amount of that shitty ore they’re mining. AND THERE’S NO OTHER PLACE but there. THEY WANT TO DESTROY THAT TREEHOUSE like as if it was Bin Laden’s hideout.
Jake tries to tell the Navi but they don’t believe him and tie him up to a cross.
This is when the humans go fucking insane. Maybe they all took some crack cocaine together and they all want to fucking RAPE NAVI FACES. The angry colonel doesn’t give a shit about Navi’s and wishes they were exterminated Hitler style. Nobody knows why he is so angry or why so racist or why he’s so “I don’t give a shit about anything”. He just is.
The humans throw about 2million% more bombs than were needed against the treehouse and a lot of Navis die.
Jake manages to jump (WITH THE GREATEST OF EASE) onto the biggest pterodactyl on Pandora (the most mean beast that ever lived and that only 3 men have ever ridden him, the rest got eaten by him) and becomes THE ONE.
Jake gathers like 50 different Navi tribes (apparently Pandora is huge with soooo many Navis which begs the question…Shit maybe they have other treehouses or there may be other mining sites or what the fuck is this film going on about).
The humans are heading towards another bigger sacred tree (the Navi Internet Service Provider where navis stick their hair ports into to listen to voices of dead Navis) with a “bomb” (a box full of really small c4 charges rigged together to explode on impact….DIDNT THEY HAVE A FUCKING BOMB???NO! They had to stick 400 small c4 charges together and make a poor man’s bomb). They have to push the box out of the plane… how ridiculous.
Jake (the new appointed navi leader of PANDORA, although he is human and Navis HATE humans) fights with his new army of troglodites against year 2513 technology with spears and arrows and IEEE1394 ports (by the way the huge fucking spears, cos navi’s are 10feet tall, have poison on them. Because being a huge fucking arrow wasn’t enough).
So yeah they fight airplanes and helicopters (that have machine gunners and missiles) with spears and flying donkeys and donkeys. And after a few minutes of dieing, they somehow manage to win and the huge c4 collage doesn’t get dropped on the tree.
Jake fights the evil colonel or general or Hitler (who is on a mech…WOLFENSTEIN anyone?) and nearly loses because he nearly gets ripped out of his “avatar box” (where he connects to his navi avatar) and is nearly dying to Pandora’s toxic air. He is saved by his Navi bitch at the last second.
Jake is turned into a navi at the ISP tree.
END OF THE MOVIE
I felt pain just remembering the film.
A quote i liked from Encyclopaedia Dramatica:
“A nagging thought throughout the film when it comes to Jake, is that how come human technology can be so advanced as to have accomplished interstellar flight and generate giant fighting ‘Mechs, but no one seems to have given a shit about upgrading the basic design of wheelchairs?”