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The Amazon Kindle 3G Review

January 13, 2011 2 comments

A few months ago I bought one of those new Amazon Kindle e-book readers everyone’s raving about… Well ok… Not everyone.

The Kindle 3G

I always had my eye on these new e-ink e-book readers but they used to cost quite a few pounds so I never really ended up buying one.

Recently, maybe thanks to the whole new tablet market, the kindle price got slashed and I bought one for something like 180 dollars shipping included. If you live in Italy, like me, there’s no way to buy one from amazon.co.uk or .de or .fr or .it as it will automatically redirect you to the american amazon.com website.

Upon receiving the kindle it came in a simple but sturdy amazon box with a simple leaflet explaining how to start it up. First thing i did was try to take of the thin sheet of plastic these kind of gadgets have on the screen when they are new… you know that thin plastic layer on your new phone’s screen or on your new iPod. To my dismay it was a trap!

There was no screen protector. What looked like a FAKELY written phrase (you know the fake screen printed on a thin sheet of plastic to act as an Ikea-style product demo) saying “please attach your kindle to a pc usb port to charge it” wasn’t fake at all. This was my first ever experience with E-ink technology. I was truly amazed.

The new Kindle screen looks like paper. Absolutely no distinction. It has no backlight it has amazing contrast… Damn this thing is like…MAGIC.

I bought the 6″ screen Wi-Fi version (i don’t see why anyone in the world would buy a 3G data plan version) which is the size of a normal paperback book page. I quickly pop it on my pc (immediately recognized by Windows 7) and register it to my amazon account. I am then given a list of free un-copyrighted books that I can download. Such old classics as Treasure Island, Sherlock Holmes, The Mysterious Island and many others. I immediately downloaded Treasure Island to try it out.

The feeling the Kindle gives you is just what you would feel reading a book but better. There’s no screen glare that you can have with iPhones or iPads and the Kindle is very light so it won’t strain your hands while reading in bed like a book usually does to me. Another plus is that there’s no more of that easy page/hard page while reading on your side. Depending on what side i’m lying on there’s an easy page (where the side of the book rests on the bed) and a hard page (when you have to hold the whole book up to read the other page with your hand turning into a Dr.Zoidberg claw), making me toss and turn in bed like a maniac. Glad that’s gone…

Amazon offers an amazing variety of e-books so you’re going to find pretty much everything you want, except more obscure books. Nonetheless it has accepted any e-book format i’ve been throwing at it including .azw (obviously), .epub, .mobi and .pdf so you can buy an e-book from anywhere else on the internet and pop it on your kindle by dragging and dropping through the usb cable. If your e-book is unsupported you can send it to your kindle email and it will be converted into a usable format and sent automatically to your Kindle.

Speaking of transfering e-books to the kindle, Amazon does a great job with what they call “Whispernet”. When you buy an e- book off amazon.com it will ask you where you want it sent. You can send it to your registered kindle, your iPhone, your Android phone or even your Kindle app on your PC. By simply connecting your Kindle to your Wi-Fi network you can sync all your items with a push of a button. Not only does it sync all your books, it also syncs all your highlights, popular highlights by other people and what page you were on last time you read the book so that you can pick right up from where you left if you want to read from your iphone or from another PC.

One of the nicest perks you get on the Kindle (and on most ebook readers for that matter) is that you can move your cursor right next to a word you don’t know and it will give you a quick definition on the internal dictionary and if that’s not enough it’ll let you search it on google, wikipedia or anywhere else you want on the internet. I’ve never been the kind of guy to pick up a dictionary while reading so this is a great addition.

There are a few drawbacks to the Kindle and I believe it isn’t just a Kindle problem… With a paperback book you can buy it and read it. The best thing about paperback books is that if you like them you can tell other people about it and do something that used to be regarded as granted… LEND IT.  Unfortunately Amazon and many other e-book retailers have put DRM protection on all of the e-books they sell. This is absolute bullcrap because I wanted to lend an e-book i bought to my mother recently and realised the only way was to make her buy it again for her kindle… Which to me sounds stupid. I know this DRM crap is all about stopping pirates but come on!

Apparently Amazon is working on a “Lending” option for e-books but they still haven’t enabled it for European users.

I also noticed that the price of e-books is variable. Most of the ones i’ve seen cost more than their paperback brother. Some people say other books cost more than their e-book version. Nonetheless I’ve always paid something more for my e-book than I would have paid for my paperback which does piss me off a bit.

The Kindle is a great e-book reader then… yes… but unfortunately for me, it’s quite a nightmare for manga afficionados.

Manga on the Kindle

Not because you can’t read them… not at all… but because of the tedious convertion you have to go through. I haven’t found any legitimate source to BUY e-manga. Not the ones I like anyway so I had to go and find illegal scans. After downloading the scans you have to convert them into something kindle-friendly with a program called Mangle (Manga+Kindle aaaaah) which isn’t really always 100% perfection. It sometimes mixes up page numbers and you end up having to delete all your converted images and start again. I have officially given up on converting manga scans for the Kindle. Too much time and not much reward. You can read this if you are interested.

The Kindle has some other minor and hidden features such as an experimental (but very good) internet browser, a minesweeper game, a text-to-speech reader and an automatic Twitter/Facebook updater (sends your highlights to your feed).

Oh I nearly forgot!! The kindle also sports a pair of speakers from which you can hear your text-to-speach voice, mp3’s and audiobooks. A nice addition even though you have to watch your space as the Kindle has 3Gygabytes of internal space which isn’t expandable.

One small tip. Don’t buy an original amazon.com leather case. Apparently they’ve been making Kindles freeze without any explanation. Not to mention they cost like £30-£50. I ended up making my own carry case for the kindle by carving an old Diary:


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can definetly reccomend a Kindle if you are an avid reader and interested in new technology/gadgets.

o/

Super Castlevania IV SNES Review

October 14, 2010 2 comments

W O W

This game… This game (luckily for me) was the first Castlevania game i ever played seriously. And i think that’s why I came to love the Castlevania series. Being used to games that had amazing controls like Super Mario, Sonic and games like Alex Kidd, the first Castlevanias never managed to grab me when I was little. The inability to throw that whip in every direction always put me off as it was something I could not conceive.

Super Castlevania IV for the SNES changed all that. The controls were spot on for the first time ever. It’s basically a remake of the first game on the NES with better graphics and controls. You can whip in 8 directions, make the whip go limp and control it with your D-Pad and you can also change your direction slightly whilst in mid-jump.

Many purists never liked these changes and blamed the game for being too easy. Others regard SCIV to be the best Castlevania game ever! I’m closer to the latter description if you really need to ask.

The game, I must admit, is somewhat easier than it’s predecessors. I mean just being able to whip in 8 directions would make any Castlevania game easier right? Nonetheless it’s still quite challenging. You WILL die often trying to learn enemy patterns and boss phases just like in the old games. You will have infinite continues and even a Password save system though (oh and just on this note, it’s the best password system i’ve seen in a videogame. Quick and easy to jot down and insert).

The graphics are amazing considering SCIV was one of the first games out for the SNES (1991). There are subtle things like glowing eyes, or bats flying out of somewhere in the background and this adds to the great atmosphere the game creates for the player.

Rotating room level

The sound… OH THE SOUND! I’ve never heard a SNES game sound so good. The music is amazing (they are all close to original remixes of classic Castlevania songs), and I really hope there’s a soundtrack to download/buy so I can listen to it everywhere I go. It’s simply SUPERB! You can hear the music to the first level (and see some gameplay) here:

I’m actually listening to this music right now for inspiration ahah!

Konami actually cut some stuff from the US/EU version of the game. Some blood was changed to green instead of red and a cross was taken out of the title screen. The whip apparently sounds different too. Not lifechanging anyway.

One of my favourite parts of the game was right at the end when you’re fighting Dracula (i’m guessing it’s impossible for this to be a spoiler). When you finally get him to 1/4 of his lifebar the music changes (to the first stage music) and it truly brought shivers of excitement onto me like crazy. Felt on top of the world.

The whole game took me around 6-7 hours total (guesstimate and took it easy), with moments of frustration and also moments of wtf. I have to agree…it wasn’t the most challenging Castlevania game but it’s still VERY satisfying to finish it.

Highly reccommended. Do pick it up, it doesn’t go for much on ebay these days.

Riqz’s score:
9/10

Donkey Kong Land Review

August 2, 2010 1 comment

Ahhh! Back to the real classics of my childhood.

Donkey Kong Land is a platformer in which you take control of Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong. Storyline is pretty much non-existant but the gameplay makes up for the lack of it very well.

The first thing that’s going to blow your mind is the yellow game pack. That’s right! You can even see it advertised on the box: “Banana Yellow Game Pak included!”… WOW ahah. I still think it’s pretty cool!

Look how cool it is:

The game has 4 different worlds to play in, much like the newer mario games on the NES and SNES. You go around the map and at the end of each world there’s a mini boss. The only boss I found semi-challenging was the last. Let’s just say that the bosses aren’t really the hardest part of the game.

The hardest part of the game is trying NOT to throw the banana yellow cartridge into the sea (I played it on the beach on my holidays) out of sheer frustration and anger. The game gives you 5 lives (hearts) and pretty much like Mario you can be “touched” by enemies twice before you die. This is if you collect the Donkey Kong barrel in the level. When you do collect it, if you die, Donkey Kong gets replaced by Diddy Kong and you can carry on playing without losing a heart.

Even if you do lose all your hearts, you will continue from the last level you were on. The game pretty much gives you infinite lives.

Donkey Kong Land has a good, but rather annoying, way of saving. On each level there are 4 letters to find: K O N and G. If you find all of them, the game will let you save your state. Most of the letters are easy to find, but sometimes you won’t find a certain letter for a few levels just to add to your frustration.

The graphics are really impressive considering it’s a gameboy game but they can be a little glitchy (maybe it was just my cart), meaning it will sometimes flicker enemies or Donkey Kong. Sometimes I think they tried to overdo it and put too much stuff on the screen making it hard to understand what’s going on.

That coin gives you a heart..Can you see donkey Kong between the clutter?:

Ah the enemies!!! You will find jumping crocodiles, huge rats, stone-spitting hawks, snakes flowing down poles, snakes crawling on the floor, and barrels. Wait WHAT? Barrels… wasn’t that the trademark weapon for Donkey Kong in his first appearance? WHY OH WHY would they hurt you in this game then??? God knows… Let’s just say I found out they could kill you the hard way. I then laughed…and after that I cried. Anyway you can kill enemies just like in Mario by jumping on them or by making a cartwheel by pressing B. Judging the distance of the cartwheel was pretty bad for me so I never used it. Jumping on enemies will be your most useful attack.

Did I mention how frustrating the game is? The game requires you to make precision jumps, predict that an enemy will appear after that jump, and then jump again over a barrel, then a rat appears and a crocodile jumps in your face. Not to mention the underwater levels where anything you touch rapes your face.

The game is very trial and error and dying is going to become the only thing you’re good at in Donkey Kong Land.

Underwater tentacle rape:

There are bonus levels which are reachable via cannon-like barrels. They shoot you to another area where you can ride a Rhino (kills anything in its path) and also an Ostrich sometimes (it can double-jump and glide), to gain more bananas (Donkey Kong’s version of Mario coins). Every 100 bananas you get a heart (not that you need it).

Nonetheless, this game was very enjoyable and entertaining. The gameplay is good and it wants to keep you stuck on your gameboy until you finish it. The lack of story is a bit of a deal breaker but maybe it’s just me craving for some Donkey Kong backstory.

All I can say is…that I’ll be waiting a while for my next adventure on Donkey Kong Land 2… Let my frustration cool off before.

Riqz’s score: 8/10

Policenauts Review

July 15, 2010 1 comment

Being a big Hideo Kojima fan (Creator of the Metal Gear series) I was reading his wiki page when I found out about a couple of games he made when he was much younger. I say “made” but mostly he wrote the story and directed it. They were called Snatcher and Policenauts. We will talk about Snatcher for the Sega CD soon enough (it’s on my to do list) but the one that really intrigued me was Policenauts. While Snatcher was released in the US in English for the Sega CD (Mega CD in Europe), Policenauts was only released in Japan firstly for the PC-9821 then ported to the 3DO, the Playstation and the Sega Saturn. It was never officially released in Europe nor in the US.

So I learned Japanese! No just joking around. I wish I knew Japanese but it’s not easy. Anyway, some fans actually decided to translate the entire game for us English speakers and patched the game with their fan-made English translation.

I played my version of Policenauts on my PSP (emulating the psx) and my first impression was great. The feeling I get from playing a game that only a few people were fortunate enough to own just gets me all excited!

Policenauts is a game that’s heavy on the story telling, but that’s why we love Kojima isn’t it? The game is mostly a point and click adventure with some action sequences in a Time Crisis style. The original game came bundled with a Light Gun for the PSX. It obviously can be played without the light gun resulting in a laser dot on screen that you can move around with your d-pad. Not having a gun had no real impact on difficulty so don’t worry about that.

The game starts off explaining how you (Jonathan Ingram) were once a policenaut sent to “Beyond”, the new human space colony built inside a huge rotating cylinder (Encounter with Rama anyone?), to become one the 5 founding members of the new law and order. A cutscene shows someone sabotaging your space suit and whilst on a routine space EVA something goes wrong and you are thrown into deep space by your “faulty” propulsion system on your suit.

The five members of the Policenauts:

You find yourself luckily rescued 25 years later thanks to the space suit’s cryogenic system that managed to keep you hibernated for all those years without having aged a single bit! The game now switches to the present and shows that you have become a private detective on Earth.

A lady appears at your door and you soon realize who she is. Lorraine was your wife back when you were a policenaut. She married another man (Hojo) after you were thought to be dead. Hojo has now disappeared and she’s asking your help to find him. As you decide whether or not you want to take the case, Lorraine is killed by an unknown person just outside your building.

This is where the story kicks off. I won’t go much into it because I’d have to write an 800 page novel if I had to. The gameplay is the usual gameplay you see in point and click adventures but I noticed something special with Policenauts. Everything you click, and you can click practically anything you see, has a detailed explanation and you never get bored of exploring all the rooms you’re in because of how well written the descriptions are. It really is impressive even for today. Descriptions range from random people to books, photographs, a clock on the wall, a “history” lesson in a museum, food you find around, panels, computers…GORBI (lol), really anything you see can be clicked on to see what your character thinks about it. Oh and yes, you are a Japanese pervert and you DO touch the boobs of every woman you encounter with funny bouncy effects (both visual and auditory ahah).

Pervert time:

What to say about this game then, well some people might argue that it’s like watching a movie, but we all know that’s Kojima’s style. Nonetheless it never gets boring and it always wants to make you carry on playing to see how the story evolves. You can expect crazy revelations, incredible twists and intense boob action, yes intense boob action. The story is told fluidly with excellent voice acting (in Japanese), subtitled in English in this version. The spoken parts (quite a lot of them) are used for main story telling. Most of the other parts are just written with text. Music is great throughout the game and the same can be told about the sound effects.

Yes that’s Meryl:

Longevity was great too. It took me about 12 hours to finish the game and considering that I clicked pretty much everything I saw I think the game can be finished in a lot less.

The Policenauts cast:

 

Concluding, if you are a Kojima/Metal Gear fan then this game is a must have and I’m absolutely sure you’ll enjoy it. The mix between exploring/viewing and action sequences makes for a compelling experience in general. This is a title not to be missed!

One thing…just one thing that pissed me off big-time was that when you die, the characters say stuff like “oh I’ll get him this time” or “Don’t worry we only died once!”. It’s like they know they’re in a videogame and that just ruins the mood and involvement you built up until then. I personally don’t like dieing and think it’s a big deal in games like this so why do they have to make the actual characters say it’s no big deal? Reminds me of the “Funny Games” film remake where the main character rewinds the scene…

Anyway it’s a really small negative point but mostly why I didn’t give it 10/10

Riqz’ Score: 9.5/10

Do I just review good games?!? Mostly yes! Or maybe I’m just too kind.

Drill Dozer

July 12, 2010 Leave a comment


This undiscovered little Gameboy Advance Gem created by Game Freak is an incredible action/platformer game that probably went under everyone’s radar. The game was awarded best game of the year for the gba by nintendo power but the poor sales never brought about a sequel which is such a shame.

The game starts off telling you how your father (Doug) and boss of the “Red Dozers” is beaten the shit up by the Skullkers, the rival dozer gang. They stole a red diamond from you.
The gameplay kicks off by sending you (Jill, Doug’s daughter) to find such diamond on your wonderful crazy dozer machine!

The idea of having a platformer where you control a dozer that can drill through stuff is so fresh that it just begs you to play it.

Gamefreak doesn’t stop surprising you throughout the whole game with new additions to the dozer and new ways to use it.

For example, in each level you start off with a crappy dozer with 1 gear. You use your R button to drill clockwise and L button to drill anticlockwise. When you pres L or R there’s a little gauge that appears and charges up. In first gear you only get it to reach the end of the gauge once and then it comes back down giving you only a few seconds of drilling power.

Once you find second gear in the stage, you can pres R or L again once the gauge is full to enter 2nd gear mode making your drill stronger and last longer.

In third gear things get serious and you will have a very powerfull drill that can help you navigate more easily through levels and last as long as you want.
3rd Gear!

If you think drilling stuff around levels is easy and boring you’re wrong. The gameplay is actually really good. There are good puzzle-like situations where you have to use your drill on certain “jelly” blocks that push you to higher platforms. It’s very hard to explain and can only be experienced once you try out the game.
This for example was one of the puzzles: Find 3 different activators around the level and insert the right combination to open the big safe:
The safe

Every level brings something new to do, a new block that involves new abilities, tunnels that propel you around depending on clockwise or anticlockwise drill direction, underwater levels with a propeller-drill, air levels with helicopter-drill, it’s really pretty amazing.

The end level bosses are incredibly satisfying. Not too hard but not too easy, i mean I rarely died (i bought some life enhancements at the shop) but it still was a challenge trying to find out boss softspots and learning how to kill them.
The last boss is quite the challenge too and very very satisfying to beat (one of the coolest moments in the game!!)
One of the bosses

Speaking of difficulty, it really isn’t too much of a challenge. I found myself dead only a few times, especially at bosses, when trying to learn how to beat them but not much other than that. If you do lose all your life, it’s game over and it asks you for 50 ingame currency to continue. I always had enough currency to continue and I found it a great way to manage death and continues.

I have to mention that the cartridge even has a rumble feature if you buy the original!
Cartridge with rumble feature.

All in all this was an incredible experience for a very underrated videogame that deserved so much more than it got. It reminded me of the first time I played Sonic on the game gear. A new experience with new characters and abilities, a fresh change!!
I wish there was a sequel and seriously hope they’re working on one!

Anyway: Final Riqz score 9/10

Enjoy it if you can cos it’s definetly worth it!

Wario Land: Super Mario Land 3

June 14, 2010 Leave a comment

I have recently stopped playing modern games. I don’t really know why. Maybe I’m tired of increasingly boring sequels and the “hollywoodisation” of 90% of the titles out there. Maybe these new games just aren’t cutting it for me.

This is why I’ve decided to go retro. I whipped out my old consoles and started seeing what games I hadn’t finished completely. I found a website that can help me with my goal of finishing all my games. It’s called www.backloggery.com and it lets you make a custom list of your game titles and you can say what you’re playing (it can choose what you play next randomly) and what you’ve finished. It also makes very interesting statistics.

Anyway back on topic. Wario Land: Super Mario Land 3 for the Gameboy.

I actually had finished this title when I was little several times. We’re talking of a 17-18 year old title here…. I WANTED to play this through again. So many childhood memories came flooding back.

This game is just magnificent. Nintendo managed to make a completely new platformer with new abilities/strategies but with the same feeling of Super Mario somehow. Some of the things you find throughout this game are so well planned and thought out that it just makes playing it a wonderful experience.

What did Nintendo introduce that was so revolutionary then? First of all they created an Anti-Hero and made him lovable and that’s no small feat. You really end up rooting for this big version of a Mario gone bad. I believe he is the poor version of Mario. I imagine Wario sitting on the couch smelling like a sweaty road worker, with a stained white tank-top, with a full grown beard with food bits stuck in it, eating pizza and mumbling to himself trying to think up some master plan to beat Mario in any way possible.
From playing the game all you gather really is that Wario is a greedy bastard. All he wants is to get coins and end up building his own castle! I guess that’s what we all want in the end!

The game is beautifully structured with a classic Mario “world” where you run around the map into different zones which are all then divided in classic mario style levels. There are 40 levels in total with 5 secret levels.:

 

Wario plays very differently to the classic Mario saga, he doesn’t only have run and jump abilities, he also has a tackle ability that can send enemies flying in the air. Makes me think that Wario was a pretty good American Football running-back. This is coupled with “hats”. Wario can wear different hats to gain some useful abilities that will get him through the perilous stages he has to face.

The Bull-hat puts horns on Wario! This increases the distance of his dash and he can butt-stomp enemies to death. He can also break stones with one dash/headbutt instead of 2. He can also stick to ceilings with the horns (very underutilized ability).

 

The Dragon-hat makes wario breath fire out of it! This is especially usefull underwater as it can break stones, kill enemies and unlock nice bonuses from the bonus blocks.

 

The Jet-hat makes Wario fly! This hat lets you fly for a limited amount of time letting you breeze through some levels and access previously inaccessible areas. It also makes you walk faster!

 

This screenshot brings me to another beautiful point. I mentioned that Wario was greedy earlier and this influences the player, making you become greedy as well. The game lets you gain money by collecting coins in levels, but there’s also a cool feature. You remember checkpoints in Super Mario World for the snes? You just passed through a ribbon and you were saved half way through the level. In wario it doesn’t come as easy as that… You actually have to give up 10 coins in order to save with the checkpoint. You press up and B and hey presto a 10 Wario-Dollar coin appears in Wario’s hands. You then throw it inside the slot to save your state. This has to be done to open the end-level door! It really makes you greedy in that sense. Sometimes I felt like I didn’t need to waste 10 Wario-Dollars to save because I wanted to risk trying the whole level. Just to save 10 coins ahah. Real Wario-style.

Another good addition to the game is the treasures. All throughout the world there are a few levels in which you will find a special key. This key opens a special door in the same level which will give you a treasure. These treasures will add up to your “wealth” at the end of the game. They are nice puzzles, some hidden, some not so much, scattered through the Wario World.

All in all this is a very good game that withstands the test of time. I played it after nearly 2 decades and it’s still so fun to play you’ll be amazed.
If you’ve never played it or never finished it this is a must for any gameboy owner or for any gamer that deserves being called a gamer after all.

A negative point has to be given for the shitty mini-games after the stages. When you finish a stage you’re brought to choose between two doors. One has the money mini-game and the other has a heart-minigame (100 hearts=a life). The heart mini-game is pretty useless as you won’t be needing many lives if you’re a decent gamer, and the money mini-game makes you lose more money than you gain. So stay away from it.

P.s. MARIO YOU OWE ME A GOLD STATUE!

Final Score:

9/10

Riqz’s Avatar Review

February 10, 2010 3 comments

Riqz’s Avatar Rant Review

Yep it's Jake Sully on his Wheelchair

Spoiler ahoy:

Jake Sully, a crippled marine gets a new job on the planet Pandora. His brother got killed by nobody knows who, because he got robbed. Jake is the only one with the same genes as his brother (because they were twins) so that’s why he got this job. This new job involves getting into a machine and possessing this empty meatbag clone of one of the Navi’s (An alien spieces indigenous to Pandora but they know fuck all about the Navi’s but they can make exact clones of them).

The humans are on Pandora (the Navi planet that uses trees for internet) because they need to mine some kind of shitty mineral mentioned ONCE in the whole film and nobody knows why the fuck they’re mining it. There’s some kind of special force involved to protect the company mining from the angry Navi. They look like U.S. Marines but are really mercenaries with no emotions left in them except for XENOPHOBIA.

Jake Sully is skeptical about this whole avatar project but once he realizes he can walk again (he was crippled in action remember?), he starts liking it.

He goes on an expedition with 2 other meaningless actors/characters/avatars who we can forget about now because they mean nothing at all, in the middle of the forest.

Jake is a bit curious (of course! He’s got legs now!), so he wanders off and gets attacked by an alien CGI monster. He gets separated from the group and ends up nearly dying until a Navi girl (which he falls in love with pretty much as soon as we see her) saves him.

At a certain point some pollen gets stuck all over Jake and Navi girl is amazed and he goes to their main treehouse. He is given a chance by the “mother superior” (again you can forget about her now as she is meaningless) to learn the “navi way”.

He gets a mount, he shoots an arrow, he rides a donkey (all this by sticking his IEEE 1394 port hair into any animal he can see), the navi girl falls in love with him.

Jake doesn’t want to live in the human world anymore and when he comes out they tell him they want to mine underneath the Navi treehouse because there’s a HUUUUUGE amount of that shitty ore they’re mining. AND THERE’S NO OTHER PLACE but there. THEY WANT TO DESTROY THAT TREEHOUSE like as if it was Bin Laden’s hideout.

Jake tries to tell the Navi but they don’t believe him and tie him up to a cross.

This is when the humans go fucking insane. Maybe they all took some crack cocaine together and they all want to fucking RAPE NAVI FACES. The angry colonel doesn’t give a shit about Navi’s and wishes they were exterminated Hitler style. Nobody knows why he is so angry or why so racist or why he’s so “I don’t give a shit about anything”. He just is.

Here's the Colonel not giving a shit about anything

The humans throw about 2million% more bombs than were needed against the treehouse and a lot of Navis die.

Jake cries.

Jake manages to jump (WITH THE GREATEST OF EASE) onto the biggest pterodactyl on Pandora (the most mean beast that ever lived and that only 3 men have ever ridden him, the rest got eaten by him) and becomes THE ONE.

Jake gathers like 50 different Navi tribes (apparently Pandora is huge with soooo many Navis which begs the question…Shit maybe they have other treehouses or there may be other mining sites or what the fuck is this film going on about).

The humans are heading towards another bigger sacred tree (the Navi Internet Service Provider where navis stick their hair ports into to listen to voices of dead Navis) with a “bomb” (a box full of really small c4 charges rigged together to explode on impact….DIDNT THEY HAVE A FUCKING BOMB???NO! They had to stick 400 small c4 charges together and make a poor man’s bomb). They have to push the box out of the plane… how ridiculous.

Jake (the new appointed navi leader of PANDORA, although he is human and Navis HATE humans) fights with his new army of troglodites against year 2513 technology with spears and arrows and IEEE1394 ports (by the way the huge fucking spears, cos navi’s are 10feet tall, have poison on them. Because being a huge fucking arrow wasn’t enough).

So yeah they fight airplanes and helicopters  (that have machine gunners and missiles) with spears and flying donkeys and donkeys. And after a few minutes of dieing, they somehow manage to win and the huge c4 collage doesn’t get dropped on the tree.

Jake fights the evil colonel or general or Hitler (who is on a mech…WOLFENSTEIN anyone?) and nearly loses because he nearly gets ripped out of his “avatar box” (where he connects to his navi avatar) and is nearly dying to Pandora’s toxic air. He is saved by his Navi bitch at the last second.

Colonel......Wait....WHAT?

Jake is turned into a navi at the ISP tree.
END OF THE MOVIE

I felt pain just remembering the film.

A quote i liked from Encyclopaedia Dramatica:

“A nagging thought throughout the film when it comes to Jake, is that how come human technology can be so advanced as to have accomplished interstellar flight and generate giant fighting ‘Mechs, but no one seems to have given a shit about upgrading the basic design of wheelchairs?”